Psychological crisis because of being urged to get married

On the night of 30 Tet, Le Thu Giang cried and ran a motorbike from Hung Yen to Hanoi, after being scolded by her mother for being "unfaithful" for not being married.

Just half an hour earlier, Giang, a 29-year-old office worker, and her mother prepared rice for New Year's Eve. "The last moment of reunion became a nightmare," recalls Jiang.

Giang's father died early, and her mother is a farmer. Giang currently works in Hanoi while her mother lives with her sister's family.

Because her family is poor, since her daughter is in high school, Giang's mother urged her to get married. Not wanting to be tied to the future of her husband and children, Giang sought a way out of her mother's arrangement by going to college. Passing the exam and going to Hanoi to study, she worked part-time at a restaurant, taking money to make ends meet.

At 26, Jiang had his first love. Her boyfriend is a colleague from the company, an American, the same age. Love for half a year, Giang brought him to meet his family. Her mother initially protested for fear of losing her children when she got married far away but gradually, she agreed, calling her boyfriend "son-in-law". Every two weeks, Giang and her lover come back to their hometown, not forgetting to bring gifts for mother. "At that time, everyone thought we were going to get married. Listening to the neighbors saying that half-bloods were very beautiful, my mother was very happy," Giang said.

Nearly two years have passed, no wedding took place. Giang's boyfriend took the reason for his unstable career so he did not want to get married. At the end of 2018, Giang discovered that he had an affair and decided to cut it off. Nearly a year later, she still has not calmed down, listening to anyone mentioning the name of her former lover is crying.

Upon hearing that her daughter broke up, Giang's mother did not say anything at first. "But it only lasted for six months, after which she started 'firing', seeing her child urged to get married," said the female office worker.

Believing that "getting married will forget the old", Giang's mother urged her daughter to see the eyes, even actively introducing her to five boys near her home. Every meal with Giang, she reminded: "Get married lest late". Hearing her say that she wanted to earn money for traveling, she scolded: "Leave money to get married".

On New Year's Eve, Jiang's marriage was again taken by the mother. Preparing to worship, Giang's mother turned to her: "So when will you get married?". Jiang said "unknown", he was scolded as filial. "My mother still cried, saying that in a previous life she created a career and her family was immoral, her daughter could not marry and asked to go to see my father," the 29-year-old girl said.

Listening to what his mother said, Giang burst into tears. She knew her mother was under pressure from her paternal house, not to mention the irony of her neighbors because she was not married. But "outsiders talk, whatever, this is my mother saying they can't stand it".

Giang is both angry and self-pity, feeling that his value is only measured by his husband. She quit what she was doing, hugged her furniture, took her motorbike back to Hanoi, and let her sister dissuade her.

On the second day of the Lunar New Year, Giang called his mother and announced that he would go on holidays and not return. Her sister tried to make peace but her mother still said "how good without a husband to throw" so Giang was determined not to go home. During the Covid-19 season, she only asked her mother through her sister.

"I know my mother is worried about me, she is under pressure around me, but I am still angry so I just let it go," Giang said. Until now, many nights she still dreamed of being mother from the face for not marrying.

Like Giang, Nguyen Thuy Van "does not eat well, sleeps restless" because of marriage. Social extinction for Covid-19, a female programmer born in 1990 to her parents' home in Thai Binh, was urged to marry three times a day. Just seeing Van, her father said, "The whole world moves, you always stand." Her mother followed along: "At your age, people already hold the grandchildren and hold them, not sit there and hug the computer". Each time like that, Van irritated, scowling voice: "I know".

Tired of her parents' words, Van remained in the room, only going out when it was time to eat. Sitting and eating, she ate soup with rice, "swallowing, not chewing" because she wanted to finish the meal quickly, not to hear her parents nagging.

In three weeks, Van lost 4 kg. At night, she is often sleepless, causing acne to cover her face. "Just hope to go back to work soon, at home both crazy and down," Van said.

Out of social distance, Van went to Hanoi, temporarily relieved because she did not have to endure "chorus" of her parents. However, deep inside, she felt anxious. At the age of 30, Van has never had a piece of love with a shoulder, never even held a man's hand. "Maybe because I'm less than 1.5 m tall, doing programming so no one dares to be close," she asked.

From the beginning of May, Van went on dating websites and searched for subjects. She also commented on her friends' profile that she was alone in order to get attention.

Last week, Van's friend introduced her to a 35-year-old man who works as a car salesman. During the appointment, he just complained poor, Van "like being punched in the ear" but still tried to be happy and see you next week.

"I have to try to get married this year, so my parents can be assured," Van said, knowing that some of them were married because they were in a hurry and unhappy, eventually divorced.

According to psychologist Dr. Nguyen Cao Minh, Vietnamese fathers and mothers force their children to marry because they think it is a good thing. They regard marriage as a common standard, an essential condition for a normal, peaceful life.

In addition, Vietnamese parents often think that they need to counsel and orient their children because they are young, inexperienced and do not understand how life will be. Seeing their children wrong (compared to their own standards and thoughts), parents are urging their children to get married without even knowing that repeated advice from parents' children can cause uncomfortable.

"Even in some cases, forcing children to get married becomes a form of mental violence," said Dr. Minh. In particular, when parents see their children responding, parents want to speak because they think their advice is still weighty. If this goes on, both children and parents can be affected.

"Parents are very important to their children, so their words affect their children heavily. However, no one can endure forever. At some point, their children will feel unfair and refuse to be affected." parents' benefits by leaving, "said Dr. Minh.

There are different views on this issue, psychology master Nguyen Tu An said that each person has different ideas about marriage. To maintain family affection, members should learn to listen and respect each other's wishes. Parents should understand how children perceive happiness, and children should understand why marriage is important to them.

"Behind every complaint is a hidden desire. A mother who scolds her why she does not get married can only worry that her child is not mature enough," An explained.

The parties need to delve into what each other's true wishes are and turn it into a request, clearly expressed verbally. For example, instead of saying "why don't you get married", say "how can you feel secure". Note, when exchanging with each other, do not let the emotions are dominated but loudly. "If you explain with calmness and endurance, everything will turn out in a positive way," An said.