Parents' behavior makes children feel guilty

In many cases, parents' reactions make children feel ashamed, guilty, and hurt their hearts without them even realizing it.

Here are 10 situations that make children feel guilty parents should avoid.

Equating action with human nature

"It's important to separate children from their actions. Because once you pool, there can be guilt," said Keneisha Sinclair-McBride, clinical psychologist at Boston Children's Hospital in Boston. Massachusetts (USA) said.

A lot of parents say the words: "You're so sloppy", "You're always slow like a turtle"... without realizing it will hurt or "label" your child. You're better off taking a deep breath, then just talking about the action and any possible consequences. For example: "Mom asked me to clean my room, but I still have toys everywhere. Right now I can clean it up before I can go to sleep."

Instead of making emotional, judgmental remarks, put your child into problem-solving mode. Mistakes are opportunities to learn, not shame.

Many unintentional acts of parents make children feel guilty. Photo: Stuff

Make children feel responsible for their parents' moods

According to therapist Sinclair-McBride, children are intrinsically self-centered because it is appropriate for their development. "This means that children can plead guilty to things for which they are not really responsible. Children are also very easily influenced by the mood and behavior of their caregivers, so they will feel guilty when they see their father. mom is sad," Sinclair-McBride noted.

"Children often believe they are the cause of their parents' distress and have strong and amplified feelings about it," adds psychotherapist Noel McDermott.
This expert recommends hugging and showing affection to reassure your child that he or she is loved. With older children, say that your sadness has nothing to do with your child, but don't go into details.

Arguing in front of children

Because of the child- centered nature , it is possible to believe that they are the cause of parental disagreements. Therefore, it is best to avoid arguing in front of your child.
For example, when planning a birthday party for a child, parents may realize the cost exceeds the budget, so they are upset with each other. This makes the child think they are causing the problem because it is their party.

"You have to remember that children cannot understand the complexities of adult relationships and emotions. Instead of understanding a parent's stress, children perceive themselves as the cause of their suffering and feelings. feel guilty," Knippenberg said. Experts recommend having a private discussion before publicly discussing having children there.

Talk to children with the words "bad", "good"

"Some kids amplify guilt, thinking they're going to be a bad kid. And over time it can develop into shame," said parenting educator Laura Linn Knight. , speak.

Experts advise parents to pay attention to the words they use. Using words like "bad boy/girl" or "good boy/girl" can inadvertently create pathways in children's brains where they constantly judge themselves as good or bad.

"When a child gets into the habit of thinking he's bad or good, it can lead to guilt, higher perfectionism, and unhealthy coping strategies to stay 'good' in his father's eyes. On the other hand, when a child feels perceived as "bad", they may accept being labeled and misbehaving," the psychologist said.

To avoid this, parents should try to use clear language. For example, if your child yells at you, instead of saying, "You're the bad guy for yelling at me," say, "I care about you, but yelling at adults isn't okay." . Then, once your child has calmed down, you can talk about how everyone makes mistakes and we all have things to work on. Help your child learn new behaviors by focusing on solutions," says Knigh.

Don't give a chance at redemption

When the child makes a mistake, it is important to give the opportunity to correct the mistake. Parents should try to process their child's feelings of hurt and disappointment and be open to apologizing. "If parents are willing to accept their child's redemption with hugs, kisses, gifts, pictures, without resentment, then the guilt will be resolved," Beresin said.

On the other hand, if parents react to a child's bad behavior with anger, abandonment, or retaliation, it will only increase anxiety, guilt, and prevent the problem from being resolved.

"Parents can punish their children, but the most important thing is to be willing to accept their apology and correction. When you do this, you are helping your child learn from mistakes," Beresin said. .

Harsh punishment

The punishment must be appropriate for the sin. Beresin advises using that punitive time to talk about what happened and to show openness in dealing with the situation and making amends.

"Excessive punishments are unnecessary, can make children think unfair, cause guilt for children," Beresin said.

Avoid emotional dialogue

Experts suggest regular chat. The more we sit together after an incident, the more we can process what happened. Ask open-ended questions like "How do you feel when you scream like that?", "How does what I do make you feel?".

Instead of ignoring it, listen to your child, feel his feelings. "Remember that all children want approval. Once they know what parents appreciate and hope for, they know how to do the right things," says Beresin.

Imposing your goals on your child

It's not uncommon for parents to include their children in activities they wish they could do in their childhood. But before you let your child learn, ask him if he likes it and ask yourself if you're doing it for your child or for yourself. Avoid placing your dreams and goals on your child. Otherwise, it can make them feel like they're doing something terribly wrong.

"A common trap is that parents go beyond what they really want for their children, so when kids react negatively, you assume they're ungrateful for what they've done for them," Knippenberg says.

Praise other people

Pay attention to how you talk about other children. Many parents often make their children feel compared and inferior.

"Koi does everything neatly, and wherever she goes, the furniture goes there." "She knows how to make breakfast, on weekends her mother just lies in bed and was served"... Sentences like that will make children feel hurt.

"Refrain from sharing this and think hard about what the real reason you're sharing it. You're most likely comparing," Knippenberg said.

Adults don't apologize or admit mistakes

Beresin advises always apologizing and making amends if you cross the line. For example, if we scold a child for being too noisy while playing, it should be noted that they are just children, excessive play is normal.

If you feel you've gone too far, take the time to apologize. Parents sometimes fear that apologizing to their children will diminish their authority. But in fact, when parents admit they are wrong, it instills respect and builds a model of courage for children.

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